SECRET DIARIES OF HOGWARTS: BOOK THREE!
by Sarah Noble
Summary: Black shnoogles Lupin and Draco gets a part-time job.
1. Intros are good for you

VERY SECRET DIARIES OF HOGWARTS: BOOK THREE!  
  
READ THIS CRAP OR DIE!  
  
Yes, it has happened. I got a few days off to write the third book's diaries! Hooray for everything! Immediately after this I must work on quidditch robes and thus earn my keep. But for now, I write. By the way, the reason my Snape's Proposal for the Dark Arts fiction is missing is because FanFiction.net deleted it for being "too interactive" (i.e. the Sevi Says letter column). So, I will be reposting it, sans letters, very soon. I'm pissed because it was my highest amount of reviews ever. . .it got more reviews than everything else put together, in fact! So when I repost it, it would be nice if you could add a review for my sake *sniff* AND so as not to let down the peeps who still haven't gotten their letters answered, I'm putting your letters in a special livejournal for Sevi to answer letters from is it won't violate FF.net's rules. ;) Hooray! I also updated my bio page so you can actually visit a working link for my Wizard's Gear Shop! Amazing.  
  
About this story: BEAR IN MIND, I still have FIVE more diaries to go on this one. But I thought I'd just post the first four now to get it started.  
  
And don't EVEN ask me to write the fourth book's diaries, unless some kindhearted fan would like to sit down and make a detailed list for me of all the major events. That's what I do to write every set of diaries, but the fourth book has way too many jumbled up events for me to deal with right now. But if YOU'D like to deal with them, I'll gladly write the fourth diaries. Email your help to webpriestess@hotmail.com. Also any delicious recipes, because my cooking is frankly not up to par and I'm having a damn hard time of it finding a boyfriend who can cook. I might have to fall back on my usual plan of dating guys who just pay for everything.  
  
Now for the spiel.  
  
All characters contained herein are part and parcel of the many-headed Chimera that is J.K. "Do these initials make me look like Tolkien?" Rowling. Violators will be hollowed out and made into human condos. For vampires. With pets.  
  
For those of you who own multiple calendars that you actually set to the correct month (as opposed to setting them to whatever is the coolest picture in the calendar, like I do), feel free to blow your nose on the dates in these diaries, because they just don't matter. That's right, the dates don't matter, like that My First Bra your sister wore when she was 13. They don't matter like the ten percent off coupon Snape has for Hot Topic. He buys in wholesale bulk from there anyway. He's really not gonna save much more money than that.  
  
DISCLAIMERS ARE FUN! I think we all know what very secret diaries contain. They contain innuendo. Brevity and innuendo. There shall be no hardcore nonsense, just poking a little fun at slash. No one's tongue shall be in any mouths other than their own at any time onscreen. However, they will have extremely censored dirty thoughts. If you bother to write a review about how I totally didn't warn you, I shall either delete your review, or email you about how ignorant you are, or do both and then I shall set fire to your review and dance around it in an alcohol-fueled worship of Bacchus, god of wine and festivities. If you don't like slash, then don't review telling me about how you don't like it. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of serious slash either. But I also don't purposely go out onto the web, read all the slash I can find and then say, "Oh my god, this is horrible, I can't believe you people wrote this. I would never want to read this.except I just did. Knowingly. And without reason."  
  
You're here of your own free will, people. If you don't approve, go bake some muffins and skip this story.  
  
And as always, fan fiction is dumb. Don't read it. 


	2. Harry

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HARRY POTTER  
  
Day 1  
  
Am dreading the train ride back to Hogwarts this year. Have been receiving some very strange mail of late, mostly from schoolmates wanting to dress me up in various frocks and pinafores upon my return. Am hating the fact that I am the main character in this story, and thus most suited for slash.  
  
On a better note, accidentally made Aunt Marge even fatter than usual, which until now I never thought possible. Am contemplating making Dudley so fat we can sell him to Ripley's Believe It or Not, but must put that thought away for now, as am currently on hold for the Amnesty International Children's hotline. Living in a cupboard for twelve years my ASS.  
  
Have also got paperwork to apply for government custody away from hideous family. Am starting to really loathe Dudley's daily "rehearsals" in the living room for American Idol.  
  
Day 3  
  
Am on the train ride back to school, and have almost completed my application forms for child protection from muggle government, and hopefully will be delivered from the circus of evil that is my present home. Threatened Uncle Vernon (or as I like to refer to him, the Bearded Lady) with a lawsuit, as am fairly sure locking children in rooms with bars on the windows is not particularly kosher. His only response was to gain weight and grow another mustache. Not surprised.  
  
Met a rather strange fellow on the train named Lupin. Seems he's going to be our new DA professor. Lucky Snape, he gets snaked again on the job! Lupin guy seems all right, but is obviously starving to death. Bet Dumbledore picked him up cheap for the position by promising him a bucket of chicken wings.  
  
Day 8  
  
Haven't been able to write in a while because of new classes.  
  
Castle now surrounded by dementors, which are like ugly corpses in tasteless grey robes. Apparently there have been budget cuts in the ministry, because some of the dementors I saw on the train are actually wearing hooded bathrobes with the embroidered "Holiday Inn" on the front crossed out and "Dementor" written in laundry marker over it. I wouldn't think much of it, except that their bathrobes are 100% downy-soft flannel. If there's one thing I fear more than death itself, it's flannel. A flannel shirt tried to kill me in my sleep once. Totally passed out on the train due to flannel fear and woke up in the arms of Professor Lupin. He was very helpful and gave me a big block of chocolate, as that's a good way to get rid of the lingering effects of flannel. Also said that another good way is to engage in a solid hour of intensive cuddling with a lonely older man. Yeah. Nice try.  
  
Had first class with Trelawney today, who not only predicted my instant and gruesome death eight times in the next week, but also predicted that my trousers would come off at any minute, then sat down and stared patiently at me for the rest of the class. I forgot how much I loathed teachers until now.  
  
Incidentally, I don't call it much of a prediction if you have to get most of the class to forcibly try and make it come true. I was beating people off with teacups for fifty minutes.  
  
Day 24  
  
Had a GREAT class with the starving guy. . .our first practical Dark Arts class! Battled a boggart in a closet who, with Neville's help, turned into Snape wearing Neville's granny's clothes. It was funny at first, but then got old after boggart-Snape kept nagging Neville to eat his vegetables and licking his hand and smoothing Neville's hair down to one side. Very glad I don't have grandparents of my own. Other people's spit just doesn't suit my complexion.  
  
Was at dinner today and found it a little distracting that Snape and Lupin kept slapping each other upside the head every five minutes, then huffily storming out of opposite doors. Am beginning to think my parents wasted their time saving up so much money to send me to school here. Probably could have gotten just as good a degree through Sally Struthers.  
  
Day 29  
  
Halloween! That alone made me suspicious. Got extra credit in Trelawney's class today for predicting something horrible and traumatic would happen. Honestly, you don't need to possess the Inner Eye to know shit's gonna happen on Halloween. Just read the first two books.  
  
As predicted, a convict named Sirius Black tried to fight his way into the Gryffindor common room. The Fat Lady was horribly frightened and could only tell us that Black tried to use a password that hadn't been used for about eighteen years, and he kept raving about how "the old gang" would get together for "one last fling," whether they "liked it or not." Poor bloke must be having flashbacks to being a student. Don't know why he'd want to have flashbacks to that. . . I spend most of my time trying to forget I even go to this nuthouse.  
  
Day 37  
  
Bugger quidditch. Bugger everything. That total git Marcus Flint changed teams on us and we had to play against the fatty Hufflepuffs, the House sponsored completely by Betty Crocker. Almost had the damn Snitch but then these dementors crawled out of god-knows-where and started doing a victory dance on the pitch. The mere sight of flannel overwhelmed me and I crashed into the ground and lost the game. Cedric Diggory tried to say that he won unfairly, but I think we all know he's just desperate to ingratiate himself before he kicks the bucket.  
  
Worse luck, broom is in pieces. That damn tree has it in for me and everything I own. Would probably burn it down, except for the fact that Snape's clubhouse is built up in its branches and he'd kill me if I wrecked it. Like it really matters if one of his dozens of Justin Timberlake posters gets ruined.  
  
Day 40  
  
Got a present from Fred and George, called the Marauders' Map. Was instantly filled with an uneasy dread. . .the kind that comes with knowing something trivial and minor will be overblown into a massive cult following online. Map is pretty funny, though. . . keeps asking me to pull its finger.  
  
Day 52  
  
Christmas! Got a ton of presents, mostly the usual stuff. . .sweater from Mrs. Weasley, wizard trading cards from Ron, criticism from Hermione, chocolate syrup from Snape. ALSO got a BRAND-NEW FIREBOLT! They're the top of the line best racing brooms money can buy. . . dunno where the hell it came from, but who cares? Cannot WAIT to see the look on Draco's face when he sees this. Will be a nice change from every other look on his face, which are all either undisguised lust or boredom.  
  
Day 54  
  
Am learning the Patronus Charm from Professor Hungry right now. Dead useful spell, fights off flannel, and probably dementors to boot. No flannel shall touch me once I have mastered this charm. Will probably be awhile before that happens, though, as lessons continue to be very slow going. It's hard to learn a practical spell that requires to you to sit on the instructor's lap every five minutes.  
  
Day 57  
  
Scabbers has gone AWOL and I don't blame him. Probably been driven nutters by Ron and Hermione's innuendo-laced bickering. Or by the fact that Ron's been taken up with a new hobby that involves fireworks.  
  
Day 60  
  
Sirius Black entered the gryffindor dorms tonight! Was awoken at midnight by strange sounds from within the corner. Peered out of the curtains round the bed to find Black hunched over a bed, smelling the bed sheets and moaning about the full moon. Shrieked bloody hell, because that last thing I need is one more pervert in this house.  
  
Black escaped, but took a load of underwear with him. Luckily for me, I now buy in bulk from an offshore supplier every week. Lord knows I need it.  
  
Day 63  
  
Got in trouble for throwing mud at Draco's helmet head and was hauled into Snape's office, which for some reason was full of pairs of underwear. He tried to confiscate the map, which was at the time preoccupied with telling the joke about the guy who goes to work on a farm and finds out about the barrel with the hole in the side. The map started ripping into Snape, but not much of it made any sense to me, as it all ran along the lines of, "Well, I didn't hear you complaining that night eighteen years ago!"  
  
Starving man came in, broke up the argument, copped a feel on me for the tenth time today, ate half of whatever was in Snape's Chobits lunchbox and confiscated the map. Drat that man.  
  
Day 86  
  
TOTALLY won the Quidditch Cup, go me! Would've won a lot faster if Slytherin seeker hadn't been grabbing onto the back of my broom to get a look up my robes.  
  
Wood totally ecstatic about winning the Cup. . .always been his dream. He broke down crying right on the field the minute I caught the snitch. Gave the poor bloke a hug---he deserves this victory! Drew the line when he started going below the waist. Drew another line and sped back to dorms when all other teammates went below waist and actual clothing.  
  
Day 90  
  
Trelawney made a nutty prediction during finals. She was blathering on as usual about death and destruction, and suddenly went all rigid and told me that I could make big money at home, getting paid to surf the internet. She then asked if I wanted to see any tight teens riding barn animals for free. I told her I just wanted to get the hell out of school as fast as possible. She seemed to snap out of her trance and sent me along my way, but not before mentioning that she was a Nigerian banker and had twelve billion dollars she needed to put in my bank account for legal reasons. I swear this staff must have been handpicked by blind drunken talking snowblowers.  
  
Day 91  
  
What a weird day. Found out a whole bunch of backstory about my dad that frankly bored me to tears, and Ron had his leg snapped, plus the satisfaction of learning that he's been sleeping with a 37 year old man instead of a rat for the last seven years. Sirius Black escaped and for some reason Lupin seems upset about that. Don't care and don't WANT to care. Just want to go home, kick my shoes off, take it easy and press charges against my family in peace. 


	3. Black

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK  
  
Day 1  
  
Am stuck in Azkaban for something I didn't do. No running water and am restricted to only an hour a day in the TV room. Have to do communal showering with a load of Death Eaters as well, the ruddy soap-dropping pervies. Worse luck, am pretty sure I left the stove on before I was arrested.  
  
Day 2,001  
  
Lost another game of poker with Larry (the dementor who guards my cell). I swear those guys can read my mind at cards. Got a cake with a plastic nail file hidden in it from Snape and a note that says: "File your way to freedom. . .you've got all the time you need." I really hate that bastard. He's still burned I got to pick up where he left off with Lupin during our sixth year. Hey, here's a crazy idea. Maybe if he practiced something the professionals call "hygiene," they'd still be an item. Idiot.  
  
Man, that last rant brings back great memories. And I don't mean of friendly fun-loving camaraderie. Eighteen years later and I'm still trying to figure out if half of what went on qualified as bestiality.  
  
Day 2,007  
  
Saw in the paper that Lupin's going to be teaching at Hogwarts! I thought that guy dropped dead of hunger years ago! That's it, I'm packing my rags and paying his fine ass a visit. There's only so much I can take of Larry's family photos, after all.  
  
Day 2,009  
  
Have escaped Azkaban, stopped at flat for my other tennis shoes. Just as suspected, left stove on. Whole place burned down years ago. Tennis shoes are AWOL. Now I have nothing good to wear.  
  
Arrived at Hogwarts (after taking quick look-see on godson) and am ready to party. I can't believe that bitch had the nerve to let me rot in jail. I SUPPOSE he must be seeing someone new who's far more important than ME. What a two-timer. He'll be singing a different tune when he's handcuffed to a bedrail.  
  
Day 2,067  
  
Have NOT been able to catch up with Loops yet. Apparently the whole teacher thing isn't just a front to score himself a bucket of chicken wings. . . he's actually making the effort to teach classes. Saw him today outside on the grounds during a "practical" lesson. Practically illegal the way he keeps favoring James' kid. Figures he should dote on the son the way he did on the father. . .makes me kinda wish we were all back together again.  
  
Note to self: sneak up to dormitories and see if everything is still set up the way it was when we lived there. If so, lure Loops up there for fun re- enactment.  
  
Day 2,071  
  
Had a run-in with this orange cat. Could be useful for gaining access to the dormitories. Was about to instruct cat to steal passwords for me (using pictures and simple meowing), when cat suddenly broke out some wall- climbing gear picks and began scaling tower wall with set of night-vision goggles as an aid. Cat rendezvoused with female partner cat in sexy impractical leather outfit halfway up the tower, then leapt forty feet to the ground and deployed jet packs moments before impact, flying over the castle and towards Prague. Not sure what to think of that. Spent the last three nights howling under Loops' bedroom window, but it just doesn't seem to get him going like it used to. I swear, if Dumbledore found a way to cure him of being a werewolf, I'll KILL him.  
  
Day 2,090  
  
Couldn't wait any more and tried to rip through the picture guard into the dormitory. . .just HAD to know if the bedsheets still smelled like Loops. Crazy old bat ran out of her painting shrieking bloody murder and I had to make a run for it. Would've tried it on some other day, but this is Halloween, after all. Don't want to break the tradition.  
  
Day 2,100  
  
Finally got passwords back from cat and busted into the dorm. Eighteen years of new students have not deterred from the smell of Moony's sheets (kinda hard, actually, as he was a werewolf). Some little brat started screaming bloody murder so I beat it, but not before hooking a round dozen pairs of underwear, just for fun. Left them in Snape's office in the hopes he'll get in trouble, or at the very least get mixed up, wear them and contract a disease.  
  
Day 2,112  
  
Caught Loops in an outer corridor, shoved up against wall and starting snogging like mad against a very upset full-length portrait of Sir Bilitus the Slightly Nutters. Shut up and be happy you're near the action, Bill. Forgot just how great he was, though don't remember his ribs ever sticking out quite so far into my side. Loops getting totally into it until interfering PRICK Sevi comes wandering by, drinking directly out of a bottle of chocolate syrup and looking forlorn. Suddenly Loops drops the proverbial glass slipper and makes tracks out a side door. What the hell is that all about?  
  
Day 2,120  
  
Found out second hand from skydiving orange cat that Loops and Sevi are shagging on the side! What a thing to break out of prison and come home to. As if life isn't difficult enough. Left a note on Loops' desk telling him to meet in Shrieking Shack, way from Redken-scented boytoy for some REAL action, not that silly playacting I had to endure with Sevi. There's a reason we dated for less than a week and it actually had nothing to do with his hygiene.  
  
Day 2,140  
  
At long last, was able to lure Loops to the Shrieking Shack for mad, mad shagging. He ran back to the castle for a pair of cuffs and suddenly that damn orange cat started ragging me out about Peter Pettigrew being alive and aboveground outside of Hagrid's hut. Uh, Cat? Hello? I'M BUSY! Went to go take a look, snagged some redheaded kid in case he wanted some action too, and wound up throwing a reunion party for everyone I HATE, and getting ABSOLUTELY NO ACTION. Am now once again on the run and totally pissed. Will send Loops the name of a good motel next time instead. 


	4. Snape

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SEVERUS SNAPE  
  
Day 1  
  
Do not know why MY diary wasn't first. It usually is. Perhaps Miss Noble's mad, infatuous lust for me is wearing off. Must remember to give her another thorough dosing of potion later, or she won't write any more stories about me, not to mention getting any sweet, sweet lovin'.  
  
Still not Dark Arts professor.  
  
Day 2  
  
Decided to something interesting with hair before get to school. Hair refuses to cooperate. No volume at all, even with Redken's bloody money- back guarantee. Last time I use muggle products EVER. Had a spat with the girl at the salon who said I don't take proper care of my hair. . . as if THAT'S what's causing the problem, not her complete ineptitude with a pair of scissors! Flounced right out without paying tab.  
  
Day 3  
  
Back at school and resigned to the fact that hair is just not ever going to be as pretty as Trent Resner's, as well as fact that have once again missed out on the DA job. Hooray and surprise. I'm not sure what there's more of. . .crapped-out one-year DA professors, or pairs of fabulous PVC boots in my closet.  
  
And who's the lucky winner this year? Smarmy hip-swaying sissy ex- boyfriend. Thought he starved to death years ago. Way to be, Dumbledip. Way to be. Will poison the lot of you next chance I get. Just as soon as I get Josephine's nappy basket cleaned out. (Note: if you don't get this joke, you're not wasting enough of your precious time on my other fanfictions. -Das Author)  
  
Day 8  
  
My freaking GOD. Why did it have to be him? Listen to him! Gushing at all the other professors like he's their BIGGEST FAN, the little suck up. "Oooh, it's SO wonderful to be back in GOOD OLD HOGWARTS!"  
  
Batting his sissy brown eyes, using the same lines he used on ME. . . who does he think he is? Bet Dumbledore paid him his bucket of chicken wings in advance and that's why he's so gosh darn thrilled. Maybe he thinks shagging some of the other professors will get him some new shoes as well. Good luck on that one, Loops. I've already tried THAT door, and it didn't get me anything other than a free badger from MacGonagall, a disappointing encounter from Lockhart and an especially rare STD from Sinistra called HerpegohnnasyphilAIDs.  
  
Lupin still DA professor.  
  
Day 9  
  
Snot-nosed Lucius' son back in my class and finer than ever. Think he grew a lot taller over the summer. His chocolate syrup allergy seems to have cleared up, from the way he keeps hanging around my office after hours. Think the little brat may be up to something.  
  
Day 14  
  
Just as suspected, the little Malfoyette wants money. Yeah right. Like I'm about to start paying for it. Told him to come back with some friends and I'd think about it. He came round later with Crabbe and Goyle. Kicked the lot of them out of my office. God.  
  
Day 24  
  
Put the smackdown on Reemy for slapping me at dinner. He got his revenge by turning a boggart into me. Somehow managed to include a tacky dress and some very tasteless accessories. Probably his cute way of insulting my wardrobe. Will say something very scathing and somehow unbearably sexy to him later.  
  
Still no word on DA job.  
  
Day 27  
  
Could have SWORN the clerk at Hot Topic who sold me a new pair of boots looked familiar. Ah well.  
  
Day 29  
  
Halloween, which instantly made me wonder what was going to happen. My record with Halloween has never been fantastic, and I don't relish another encounter with anything that wants to bite my leg off.  
  
Turns out that obnoxious PRAT Sirius really did escape Azkaban and tried to bust his way into the Gryffindor dormitories. Probably wanted to get to those dirty photos of "the gang" he'd stashed between two stones in the wall. Sorry Black, but those are now part of the private fine arts collection of Sevi Snape. The society thanks you for your generous contribution.  
  
Spent the weekend in bed reading Gloomcookie comics.  
  
Day 34  
  
Reemy getting pretty smartmouthed with me now that he has three meals a day and actual shelter instead of that cardboard box he called a house. Told him I was currently stuck in a bitter letter-writing battle with Dumbledore for the Dark Arts position. Sassy bitch replied he knew lots of positions in the dark he could teach me. I swear to God, I'm surrounded by freaks.  
  
And I'm still the bloody Potions Master. Why am I the master of potions but Flitwick's not the Charms Master? Or MacGonagall the Transfiguration Mistress? Why do I get labelled with the kicky S&M title?  
  
Must be my astonishing good looks. As usual.  
  
Day 36  
  
Swallowed pride and slunk into Reemy's quarters after dinner. What do you want from me? I haven't had any in months.  
  
Day 40  
  
Malfoy kid expressed jealousy over latest interlude. That's whatcha get, bitch. That's whatcha get. Felt bad anyhow and spent the day in bed with covers pulled over head.  
  
Day 45  
  
Reemy being distant lately. . .this is school all over again. Heard a lot of howling at his window but wouldn't let him lift the shade. Just KNOW it's that major twit Sirius, barking around all hot and bothered in the front lawn. HA! Go pick someone up at the local kennel, Fido!  
  
Day 60  
  
Sirius attacked again and managed to get into the dormitories. Got scared off by a student and probably fled back into the woods. Serves him right. Reemy was worried he wouldn't last long out in the woods. He seems to be worrying an AWFUL lot about Black. Most faithful member of the Marauders my highly-toned ASS. He can't even stick with whomever he's sleeping with during the week.  
  
Day 63  
  
Found some asinine piece of parchment with the Marauders' names all over it. Could never understand why such background characters have such a big following. Just as in real life, all the little gits can do is talk dirty about everything. Wish everyone knew how much more mature I was than them. In retrospect, should have started own group. The Maligners. The Malarkers. Damn.  
  
Stupid Reemy copped a feel on Potter kid for the billionth time today. How come he gets away with that, but I get put on probation?  
  
Day 81  
  
Was relaxing in office, failing everyone who submitted a final report, when I saw Reemy dash by with an eager look on his face. Followed and saw him rifle through his bedroom, before emerging with a pair of fur-covered handcuffs. Followed him down to the Shrieking Shack and found that total BITCH-STEALING. . .er. . . BITCH, Sirius Black! Smacked Reemy a good one, the two-timing whore. On top of that, had to listen to some junk about James Potter that bored me to all hell (almost fell asleep during the slide show) and am in a thoroughly bad mood.  
  
Once again, saved the day and Potter trio from certain doom at the hands of flannel. Once again, was totally shafted for a medal. Once again, STILL NOT THE DARK ARTS PROFESSOR.  
  
Where's the love, people? Where's the frickin love? 


	5. Draco

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY  
  
Day 1  
  
Am very upset Potter did not answer my letters regarding some adorable frocks I thought he might be interested in. Perhaps he's not the ribbon and lace type. Will have to return to tailors and see if they have any hardcore leather pinafores.  
  
Day 3  
  
Have arrived at Hogwarts for my third year at school, and second year as fabulous new Slytherin Seeker. Now have own private changing room for practice, so Flint can't do that thing to me with the towel rack anymore. Go me!  
  
Day 5  
  
Wrote another letter to father about getting a new broom. Fabulous new Firebolt series just came out in the store and colors match my complexion far better than ruddy old Nimbus 2002. Honestly, I don't see how I should have to ride the same broom as everyone else on the team. It's fun for a while, but whoever has to sit in the back keeps sliding off the end.  
  
Day 9  
  
Had first class of the year with Snape. . .that man must have been practicing his leering over the summer because he's gotten worse. Never mind feeling that someone's undressing you with their eyes. . .HIS eyes have already torn my uniform off, had their eyeballish way with me and then called the cops to turn themselves in as pedophiles.  
  
Day 12  
  
Father won't buy me a new Firebolt like the one in the store. Said that some things in life have to be earned with hard work. Told him flat out that I was still chafed from the leather chaps. He clarified that he wanted me to get a student job. Damn.  
  
Day 14  
  
Rubbed a little musk cologne on and hung about Snape's office for a bit. Do not want to EVER work in the service sector and figured Head of House would be more than generous enough to help me buy kickass new broom. He only laughed and said to bring some friends next time, then kicked me out when I sent Crabbe and Goyle round. What?! It's not MY fault everyone in Slytherin is inexplicably ugly!  
  
Day 16  
  
Tried musk trick with MacGonagall and she turned me into a badger again.  
  
Day 20  
  
Rather grudgingly put in some applications at several places of business. Hope I at least get Blue Cross with this.  
  
Day 22  
  
Am now working the evening shift at Hot Topic. Can't believe businesses are so complicated. Just closing out registers takes forever. Added to that, creepy japanophile girls keep coming in and squealing random badly pronounced Japanese phrases they pick up from watching anime. As if anyone believes these white bread cracker teenagers from Virginia are actually asian.  
  
Cannot malign store anymore, as author may have her book accepted by Slave Labor soon, which is sold directly through Hot Topic (a wonderful and fabulous store that you most certainly should shop in at least once a week, particularly the comics section).  
  
Day 23  
  
Having part-time job not working out so well with school work. Keep falling asleep in middle of History of Magic tests and writing snappy black t-shirt quotes instead of actual answers. Bloody professor failied me for putting "Chicks dig skinny pale guys" as the capital of goblin country.  
  
Day 24  
  
Manager put me on shift til closing with Todd, whom for some reason would like to be called Raven at all times. I call him the scrawny guy in the net tshirt with too many buckles on his pants. Todd's (Raven's) a fairly stable individual given his faults, but he keeps trying to convince me to dye my hair black. Apparently blonde is just NOT the look the store hired me for. Took Todd's/Raven's advice and went for a deep midnight. Hair came out black at the ends and slightly purple at the roots. Not sure father would approve of my altering the Malfoy aryan-race image he worked so hard to produce.  
  
Day 27  
  
Had a shock when Snape came in and bought a pair of boots from me! Stupid git didn't realize it was me because of the hair dye. Apparently there ARE advantages to being a goth. Was glad when he finally left (with a new pair of platform paratroopers with inner buckles, size eight). Toddraven was starting to give us funny looks.  
  
Day 32  
  
Checking stock with manager. Pretty sure Snape hooked a couple issues of GloomCookie in his last visit.  
  
Day 35  
  
Almost got enough money for a brand-new Firebolt, and then it's good riddance to this mindless drone job. Do not at all appreciate the fat chicks with multiple piercings who want to try all the dog collars on, or the guy who just comes in and smells every shirt in the store, then leaves. Toddraven also keeps inviting me to his house to play Vampire: The Masquerade with Juno, Lady Onibreath and someone called The Claw.  
  
Will not play with The Claw. Fear The Claw far too much.  
  
Day 40  
  
Haven't had time after classes for anything but job. Only just NOW found out idiot Head of House is shagging the starving guy! Probably paid him a bucket of chicken wings for it. Hope Lupin likes chocolate syrup.  
  
Day 51  
  
YES! Finally have enough for a new Firebolt! Sent the order off today along with all of my weekly paychecks. Go me! Cannot WAIT until I see the look on Potter's face tomorrow.  
  
Day 52  
  
Bloody broom was supposed to arrive today and it DIDN'T! I clearly gave them the address: England, Hogwarts School, Main Hall, Cute and Often Slashed Boy Sitting at Long Table! On top of that, Potter's got a brand new Firebolt for some reason! How the hell did HE get one??  
  
Day 60  
  
Called the store and they gave me a lot of rot about how they already delivered it. Stuff and nonsense! If they'd already sent, I would HAVE it by now! Just watching Potter's smug (yet pouty) mouth as he zooms around on his own Firebolt, showing off his special monogrammed DM initials on the handle. . .if only MY broom would arrive, I'd show him who's boss! I'd spank his ass with the handle end! Had a good cry about it in the boy's lav and then bleached my hair out again.  
  
Day 63  
  
Got mud thrown at me by an only partially invisible Potter. . .just KNEW he was the down-and-dirty type! Had a good laugh watching him get reamed out by Head of House while hidden behind the door. Then stupid starving man came and copped a feel on him and they left. Damn that man!  
  
Day 68  
  
Quidditch team lost to Gryffindor. WOULD have won easily If I had my new broom! Potter, OF COURSE, flying around like the showoff bragging idiot he is, bending all over his new broom like he was going to have children with it. Actually quite fun to watch.  
  
Have to go now. . . heading over to Sears for an interview in the home fashions department. Damn it all. 


End file.
